by Amanda Painter
So, you want to be a private investigator of the cosmos, do you? A gumshoe of the soul? Well, you’ve come to the right place. To get you started, we’ve assembled a basic kit of detective tools.* You will find many of them indispensable on a daily basis. If you find yourself in a real jam, one or two could even end up saving your life.
Enclosed please find the following:
• Jupiter/Chiron Dual Purpose Magnifying Glass: Use the Jupiter side to get an intense, expansive view of the evidence, or flip it around to focus light with the precision of Chiron’s lens.
• Arachne Notebook: Essential for compiling the stories of witnesses and suspects, lists of clues and diagramming a web of lies. Keep track of the facts, keep paranoia at bay, and keep interweaving only what is useful so your case won’t unravel come dawn.
• Cosmic Fingerprint-dusting Kit: With an extra vial of space dust, you’ll always be prepared to know whether Venus, Mars, or any of the other usual suspects have had their hands in the proverbial cookie jar of your psyche. Best of all, once you know where they’ve been, you’ll be better prepared to guess where they’re headed next — and get there first.
• Mercury Mini Tape Recorder: When you need to be sure you don’t miss any of the message, catch all the nuances of the human voice with this handy gadget as you interview your client. Standard “retrograde” function lets you rewind regularly for review and automatically returns to where you started, ready for the next words.
• Argus Mini-binoculars: Always keep one eye open, even at a distance. These binoculars are small enough to have handy at all times, so you can be sure nobody slips past you while surveying your surroundings or your inner landscape.
• Miniature Photographica Secret Camera: Take a picture of your mark on the make, or snap documents you can’t take with you — all while keeping your cover. These images will say a thousand words so you don’t have to, whether on the witness stand or in some back alley. And you can always come back to them to look for new details with fresh eyes.
• Heracles Pistol: Whether checking out the story of a wife done wrong or backed into a corner by a mob gone mad, you’ll want to carry this dependable piece close and loaded. Keep yourself safe and live to solve another case.
• Saturn Fedora: Don’t get caught on a rainy stakeout without the well-structured brim of a Saturn brand fedora shielding your eyes. It’s the only brand we’ve found to keep its shape in a dust-up, from a company that’s been gracing orbs of all sizes with brims, bands, and rings since the early days of the solar system. And let’s face it: it never hurts to look the part.
There you go! We’ve given you the tools; what you do with them is up to you. Good luck, godspeed, and may the trail you’re following never go cold.
Remember, the truth may be out there, but your investigation starts within.
*Femme fatale and henchmen not included.
