As a journalist, I am trained to stand in the sidelines of life and observe its events. But as a person, I have taught myself to enter life as fully as possible and participate directly. For many years, I struggled with this division between person and journalist, often getting directly involved in the events of my stories, at times feeling guilty about it, at times being accused of “lack of objectivity” while knowing objectivity is impossible, and yet at other times feeling like I was just pretending to be alive in the times I was merely a writer/observer. This kind of crisis is typically Aquarian, for it is often the way of this archetype to detach and observe, while craving real emotional contact, participation and surrender to the events of life.
Several years ago, I received the Indian sacrament of Darsan (pronounced ‘darshan’) from Ammachi, a sage who is viewed with the respect of an enlightened master by her culture and her followers. I went as a seeker, but as a journalist I am always in observation mode as well, and ready to tell the story. The long evening culminated in a marriage, and I went back inside to watch the ceremony. The couple was wed, the orchestra of swamis and disciples raised the strange Eastern music to a thundering, joyous climax, the packed crowd swirled in a circle, and Ms. Ammachi stood in her sweet, childlike majesty and tossed pounds of blessed flower petals onto the mass of people. The Hindus sure put on an amazing show! I stood next to the stage, at the dividing line “the event itself” and “those experiencing it” where I like to hang out.
It was there, in that moment, that the internal wall within me burst open. I was moved to a flood of tears, at once seeing and being, watching and engaging, knowing and believing, all with total freedom and trust in myself; and in an instant knew that I was now free to live fully, at once, as participant and fully as observer, and that I could now observe as one directly involved and report my findings to the human race. In the year to come, my Aquarian cousin, you may feel like you’re at the last stand between two colliding systems of thought or belief. They have been in an uncomfortable war for some time, and it is a war against yourself. What you are really trying to do is find a way to make them both real at once. Many say it cannot be done. It is possible, as long as you remember that you don’t have to sacrifice one or the other aspect of who you really are in order to be a real person; or rather, that you don’t have to sacrifice anything.
