First let me make a disclaimer: I am all for improving yourself and being more positive and even for striving for what you want but with the added caveat that if you don’t succeed, it isn’t always because you didn’t try hard enough or think positive enough or “let go” of fears enough….it just might be because things bigger than you are have prevented it. Failure doesn’t mean we should stop trying; to stop trying is to stop living because part of being alive is about striving for something you want and improving yourself. So I am not saying it is ok to give up and blame the universe for things you didn’t get. I am saying you must know that many times, through no fault of your own, you will not get what you want even when you do the motivational things like perception change. I would tell people to change their negative perceptions to positive, work at getting what you want but know when the universe is telling you that you won’t get some of it (know when to call it quits) and change your perceptions to accept that. I see too many people damaged by the guilt and blame they heap on themselves (and society heaps on them) for not getting what they want (after working so hard for it) when they could just accept it and think that maybe what they wanted wasn’t what they needed and some higher force knows that and prevented them from realizing their desires. We must have compassion for ourselves and others.

Having made that disclaimer, I must say that the motivational stuff hidden meaning goes back to that big American individualism and idealism lie: the one that says you CAN get what you want if you are positive enough or work hard enough or do the right thing; the converse being that if you fail it is YOUR fault and yours alone. This sets people up for terrible expectations and self-loathing blame. It also absolves the lucky ones of feeling like they should help out or have compassion for those less fortunate.

It is a thing called LUCK that is often the difference between the successful ones that worked hard and the unsuccessful ones that worked hard. Most people hate that concept because it is unfair. They also hate it because it is far easier for those that are successful (because of luck) to blame those that are not so they can feel better about the fact that they got something they wanted even though they are no more or less deserving than the next guy that also worked hard and was positive and so on but that didn’t get what he wanted.

The guy that was working with Bernie Madoff said in an interview that when he started making so much money with so little effort, he started telling himself that he deserved to have that much money, that he was somehow superior to other people and his getting that money with so little effort was proof of that superiority. I see many people thinking along the same lines in the modern “prosperity gospel” ideology that is being preached these days.

The truth is, you can be positive and change yourself and improve yourself and work hard until the cows come home but if the society in which you live and times in which you live are not conducive for you to “get what you want” you will not….and it won’t be because of some personal failing on your part. That is one of the Big Lies we are all told in this country and it is time to put that one to death. The awful truth of it is, some people are luckier than others. The worst thing is, those lucky ones often prefer being smug about that and not wanting to help those that are not lucky.

The most generous people, the best tippers, the most giving and compassionate are often those that have had to live with hardship. I am not talking about just finances here, I am talking about sympathy, emotional support, empathy. Their hardship taught them compassion. I know a woman that has had the same job for many years and her husband has also. Because neither of them have ever been laid off or fired, they have zero compassion for those that have been. They stopped associating with a longtime friend of theirs because that friend got laid off. Just when their friend needs their emotional support the most, they turned away. Or another couple that have been happily married for years; the wife’s best friend suddenly finds herself dumped for another woman. Instead of offering the newly single woman emotional support, the married woman avoided her.

I think lucky people fear the very luck that gave them their success in getting what they want because they innately KNOW that luck is fickle and though they will not openly admit it to themselves, they fear it deeply. It is this fear that makes them avoid the recently laid-off friend or the friend that is having marriage problems or kid problems when that friend needs their emotional support at that time. They fear their luck may change too so they avoid the unlucky one because that laid off friend (or divorcing friend or suffering friend) is a constant reminder that it could happen to them too. Their lucky lives have taught them no compassion.

It is time to stop the Big Lie and be honest with ourselves; we won’t all get what we want even if we change our perspective, be more positive, name it and claim it, or work hard. Many of us will just have to make do with what we have and learn to deal with it. And we don’t need to beat ourselves up because of that nor let anyone else blame us for our not getting what we want. Every time I say or write this people around me tell me I am “being so negative” and I tell then that no, I am just being realistic. Reality is what it is; people try to tell you that you make your own reality but that just isn’t so. There’s too much blame and guilt going around as it is; people are damaged by it and it is so unnecessary and so counterproductive.

I would rather be cynical than foolishly positive, realistic than delusional and sweep away the cobwebs of the fog-like mentality that we have been living under. Every parent knows they have to teach their kids that we can’t all have what we want because some people want things that would cause other people distress or pain. A major hallmark of attaining adulthood is the ability to delay gratification and to understand that not everyone can have what they want in life; life is unfair. We must accept this even as we continue to be positive, strive for what we want, and be compassionate with ourselves and others when we don’t get what we want. To me, that is a more realistic, healthy, and honest message to send out.