So, you want to be a private investigator of the cosmos, do you? A gumshoe of the soul? Well, you’ve come to the right place. To get you started, we’ve assembled a basic kit of detective tools.* You will find many of them indispensable on a daily basis. If you find yourself in a real jam, one or two could even end up saving your life.

Enclosed please find the following:

• Jupiter/Chiron Dual Purpose Magnifying Glass: Use the Jupiter side to get an intense, expansive view of the evidence, or flip it around to focus light with the precision of Chiron’s lens.

• Arachne Notebook: Essential for compiling the stories of witnesses and suspects, lists of clues and diagramming a web of lies. Keep track of the facts, keep paranoia at bay, and keep interweaving only what is useful so your case won’t unravel come dawn.

• Cosmic Fingerprint-dusting Kit: With an extra vial of space dust, you’ll always be prepared to know whether Venus, Mars, or any of the other usual suspects have had their hands in the proverbial cookie jar of your psyche. Best of all, once you know where they’ve been, you’ll be better prepared to guess where they’re headed next — and get there first.

• Mercury Mini Tape Recorder: When you need to be sure you don’t miss any of the message, catch all the nuances of the human voice with this handy gadget as you interview your client. Standard “retrograde” function lets you rewind regularly for review and automatically returns to where you started, ready for the next words.

• Argus Mini-binoculars: Always keep one eye open, even at a distance. These binoculars are small enough to have handy at all times, so you can be sure nobody slips past you while surveying your surroundings or your inner landscape.

• Miniature Photographica Secret Camera: Take a picture of your mark on the make, or snap documents you can’t take with you — all while keeping your cover. These images will say a thousand words so you don’t have to, whether on the witness stand or in some back alley. And you can always come back to them to look for new details with fresh eyes.

• Heracles Pistol: Whether checking out the story of a wife done wrong or backed into a corner by a mob gone mad, you’ll want to carry this dependable piece close and loaded. Keep yourself safe and live to solve another case.

• Saturn Fedora: Don’t get caught on a rainy stakeout without the well-structured brim of a Saturn brand fedora shielding your eyes. It’s the only brand we’ve found to keep its shape in a dust-up, from a company that’s been gracing orbs of all sizes with brims, bands, and rings since the early days of the solar system. And let’s face it: it never hurts to look the part.

There you go! We’ve given you the tools; what you do with them is up to you. Good luck, godspeed, and may the trail you’re following never go cold.

Remember, the truth may be out there, but your investigation starts within.

*Femme fatale and henchmen not included.

Oct. 1, 2005 – Cancer – Monthly

I cannot imagine that a solar eclipse in the 4th house of home and security is a great feeling for one born under the sign Cancer, but if you’re feeling stuck it may be just the medicine you will thrive on. What all of us need to remember now, particularly you, is that as brisk and unexpected as certain changes may feel, or as dramatic as the prospects may seem, protection surrounds and fills what is transpiring. You can take this message on many levels, but ultimately you will be convinced by the outcome. Therefore, spare yourself the worry and pay attention to how you feel and what you know must be done. Security comes in many forms, and the one that will suit you best at the moment is adaptability. This, you have available, and you also possess the rare human quality of initiative. So often, the world is waiting for you to take leadership, and such is true today.

This is the daily blog associated with Cosmic Confidential, the 2010 annual edition of Planet Waves. One of the things we’re doing is selecting horoscopes from the past and letting them see the sunshine. Unlike on the Planet Waves Oracle, where the horoscopes are selected at random, these are selected by an editor — usually Amanda Painter. In honor of Saturn changing signs from Virgo to Libra tomorrow, this July 22, 2008 horoscope gives a brief review of what Virgos had to work with these past two years.

July 22, 2008 – Virgo – Monthly

Having just passed through and recovered from your latest phase of wild uncertainty, and four sides to every story, you may not be particularly welcoming of another spell of dangling on the edge. Yet if nothing else, you seem poised to travel a path of radical independence for a while longer. Your agenda includes many ideas about yourself that you seem determined to let go of. You may have places that you need to let go of. You surely have people you are letting go of — and you can credit most of this to the miracle of Saturn in your birth sign. Unless of course you’re not experiencing it as a miracle; in which case you will need to depend on the determination of Mars. Yet both of these planets are saying you must be easier on yourself. In some respects they are saying you don’t have a choice. It is clear that from long years of being conditioned with the idea that “you are out of control,” you can go to some extreme measures to demonstrate that control. You can, in turn, push people pretty hard to go along with that belief; and sooner or later they will yield to your will. But in the scheme of things, you might ask: does this really improve your life? Does it improve the world? Control is never a remedy for fear.