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Cancer Notes

Cancer — Quotes from

During the past six months, I began to express more in a few, long friendships. I’m now struggling with what to share and what not to. I need the appropriate level of confidence in an idea before I share it or it completely gets destroyed by people who are trying to be helpful. My first assumption is usually that others are right about something over myself. My friends are helping though and these relationships are growing.
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In 2009, January through June brought a lot of realizations about the past…in a clear sense. Guilt materialized as a leading force in my life. I had a series of realizations about my family, as they are and have been, cursed with positive intentions. I felt wrong about enjoying a career, feeling/expressing emotion, or desiring a sexual relationship with any emotional connection because of various figures in my life. It all comes back to guilt and a sense of obligation. I feel like I’ve worked through a lot of that now, but obligation is really strong with me even if it’s imagined.
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I’ve been working really intensely on allowing myself to feel emotions and attempting to identify them and give them names. In the past month, I’ve felt like I want to give up on this.
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My effort, from here on out, is with those who seek the balance of self-realization, and not delusional fabrication. I have no use for anyone who refuses to acknowledge that we must WORK on a SOUL/SELF level, in order to forward this planet onward.
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Saturn is right up there, rolling over me just about every way I look! Just got through with my second Saturn return (Saturn 17 Virgo), and still feel I am being ground away at, ground down, down to the bone, down to the soul, ground fine, refined.
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My relationships are all new…. Everything outside me, my views of relationship, is transforming to a point that ‘I’ am comfortable/happy with.
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My life is ‘Here, Now’, and I feel as if I’m right on the cusp of serious freakin’ breakthrough! All that I have been through has led me directly to this moment, where I feel that I’m ready too meet ’space’ on terms that I’ve defined, through the effort that I’ve put into understanding myself.
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Over the past months I’ve been faced with my demons, my fears and anger etc. and in particular my negative thought patterns which eat away at all that is good in me and my life have worked with this very consciously in my meditation practice. Right now there’s a sense of how I sabotage myself with my fear and my timidity (I feel a LOT of fear). But it’s as if there’s something new and beautiful in me that’s ever so slowly growing – which is about realizing how strong and solid I have become over the years – and how beautiful my soul is deep down. This sense of my own power is trying to match a lifelong sense of fear and inferiority – it’s a new and still very small, but wonderful feeling.
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Until 2009, I was under the impression that my deepest desire was for very conventional ordinary type relationships. In 2009 I learned that my desire for relationships is much deeper than that. It is the embodiment of the need to be needed, desire to connect and longing to belong in a very deep spiritual way, building relationships that are based on trust, integrity and honest communications.
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The situation intersected my emotional life with my professional life. I have very Martian energy in my professional life. (My rising sign is Aries and also my Career sign is Aries). When it comes to my professional life I am very assertive, enthusiastic, confident and adventurous. But I guess the equivalent of that in my deeply personal inner life was just the opposite of that, lack and shortage of all those qualities. 2009 made me confront that imbalance!
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This Cancerian sees 2009 as damn sight less fraught than 08, the Year of the Barking Spider. I will chalk some of this up to Pluto and his closing show. I was born with Pluto on the 25th degree of Leo, so it seems I feel its egress rather sharply – starting from that degree. Then we had Mr. Underworld roll over to Capricorn in November, where he will cruise back and forth between 0 and 3 degrees until what? Jan of 2010? Fine by me. I prolly won’t see any *real* action on that front till Pluto opposes my natal sun, about 5 years from now. By that time I will have learned to dance with the Dark.
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There are one or two areas this year that are so painful, continuations of the Barking Spider Follies, that I handle them with great vigilance and forgiveness and rage…. In June I kept crashing through the thin ice of the Eclipses…. It’s been more and more of “Where is your worth girl?” Where do I value me? How do I value me? How do I demonstrate it? I’m digging down, deep down to find it. But, it’s not easy.
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