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Capricorn Notes

In 1995, 12th solar house, with 3 planets in Sagittarius and a Saturn opposition, definitely rings a bell. I graduated from college and abandoned the traditional path. It quickly formed into a deep spiritual/psychological journey. There was a cutting away, stripping down, and shedding skin after skin. Moving, moving, moving. In and throughout it all I was looking at a lot of intense psychological stuff and integrating it with spirituality – for an answer, for healing, for transformation, clinging to grace.В  At many moments integrating the two out of sheer necessity and not knowing any other option. How many times the earth dropped out from beneath me (Pluto transit was of natal 2nd house), I can’t even count. Each time I clung deeper to Spirit.

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In and throughout it all, I feel I experienced a universality to truth. Love is love is love, whatever face or form of spirituality it wears. Also, a major lesson came through that sometimes things and people can wear the appearance of love, but aren’t.

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In my heart, I think it is really about going to another level, letting go, changing vibrations, and just not having an easy time with it as it moves cellularly out of the body.

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Being a soul who’s wings beat to a different drum than society takes strength. Belief in oneself and one’s truth no matter what. How many mechanisms are in place to keep us under control and following the herd as it tumbles, rushing over the cliff.

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I’ve been feeling as thought I’ve been born again.  Not in a religious sense, but in the sense of having to scrap the rules I’ve been living by and learning from scratch who I am in the world, what I want to contribute to the world, and how I interact with the world.

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I learned to ask for what I want, deal with not getting my way, and not shutting down pre-emptively because it’s better to not ask than to be told no. I learned to communicate my unpleasant feelings instead of bricking up like a skyscraper, and deal with the jello-ness of it all – the lack of certainty, of absolute rights and wrongs, the drama of dealing with another actual person instead of the figments of my imagination that I tend to superimpose on real live breathing people with thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears, baggage of their own.

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The internal transformation going on has been immense. I have been on a very intense spiritual path with very fruitful results. The changes internally have been powerful and disruptive.

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You can’t go back; I know that in the space between my atoms.

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I’m not your basic suit and tie goat. I seem to be tuned into a version of Capricorn that reflects my Chinese year sign of the Water Ox.

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I have been restless all year, constantly needing to pick up and go to some place of refuge for a week at a time because emotionally and psychologically I am so worn thin.

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It is extremely difficult to function outwardly when there is such a torrential chaos within. It has been a battle to resist numbing it all with alcohol, drugs, and lovers, but I am trying to stay present. To feel it. To be with it and know that the pain is a gift and a messenger telling me where I am out of alignment and authenticity in my actions.

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I can’t seem to get myself to do anything that feels inauthentic for money. That’s the real problem. All I want is authenticity. I crave it all of the time, I push for it in every situation to the point where people get uncomfortable.

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My body and my heart have started a rebellion against bullshit. It is often painful, always exciting, full of possibility (and fear), and there is nothing the rest of me seems to be able to do to stop it.

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Pluto conjunct my Sun has tested my faith. It’s almost like someone was holding me, hanging by a thread over a cliff, and saying, “Now I’m going to cut your attachment to this thread that you’re hanging on to for dear life and you have to show me that you can fly on your own, on your faith”.

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