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Leo Notes

Leo — Quotes from

November 2008 — the day Pluto made its ingress into Capricorn, I was thrust out of the home where I raised my two children for the last 20 years. You’ve talked about how literal astrology is — indeed it was, as my husband and I left this pastoral setting to move into the city. Unsettling — but as soon as we were established in the new home, everything felt perfect — and there were/are no regrets.
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I’m beginning to understand just how the seventh house stellium works in my life, and how I tend to see my life through my relationships with others — and how I have failed to spend enough time considering myself as an individual. I’m very much interested in collaboration and collective experiences, yet these have sometimes come a personal price.
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This year I have found that what i thought I wanted I could will into manifestation; no sooner something beautiful and synchronous would happen in love or friendship, it would backfire on me, as I was either not aware enough to understand it was meant to be a passing influence to make me grow, or I realized I thought it was not ‘good enough’ to stay in my life and sabotaged it.
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The mirroring experiences (in relationships) have brought me to the brink of feeling life has no meaning without a sense of anchor and belonging with someone (to share with). Yet at the same time I am always projecting my desires onto emotionally unavailable people. I have been feeling very detached from my friendships, yet desperately hunkering for the one ultimate intimate bond. This has been the case for at least ten years. But this year the call has been beyond bearable. I moved to a different country last year, so a new relationship to where I belong has also been a huge part of the longing for an anchor (belonging).
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I have learned that I value education and wanting to learn new things, as well as the goal of completing an educational degree; I value integrity, responsibility, hard work. I value my home. This makes me feel like I am doing good for my self and for the world. Why do I need a man to give me sex just to feel good about myself? I am doing what I value, therefore I am good.
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I am learning to live with my own issues from my past. By really considering what I value, I have learned that I really value the way I live my life, reducing any feelings of inferiority.
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The Neptune-Chiron conjunction coincides with my Chiron return, which has been going on in the 3rd house opposite my Sun… It was sheer hell and definitely impacted my ability to think, feel or react normally, i.e. with clarity, confidence or maturity. I was pushed deep into child vs. parent issues, struggled terribly with themes of abandonment and a desperate desire to be taken care of by someone – anyone at all other than me… Then, as desperate as I was to be rescued, there was no one either willing or able to do so, and I was forced to just get a grip and pull myself back together and sort out the stuff myself, which I am doing, albeit slowly (there’s a lot to sort out). By nature, I have always been self-reliant without giving it a second thought, but suddenly I just couldn’t be any more. I really did collapse and became very childlike, I now see.
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This past year, I worked through a deep repulsion I feel for a lot of humanity. I collect compassion like rain in a brass cup.
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My expanding self-worth is definitely a bone of contention amongst family members and old friends. Power struggles happen when status is being challenged. I mean: how my growth and development- long overdue I might add and equanimous at its core- can be as divisive and embattled as it’s proved to be, I simply can’t understand. Or accept. The feedback was clear: individuation is disharmonious to the whole.
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Lately, love has felt like a parade of the past in terms of past lovers looping through the present like ticker tape. This is cryptic language I newly understand, and I am excited for some real progress here; excited for new awareness to forge solid reality. It has felt like all things romantic were kidnapped in a copious coup and the high-tech security cameras didn’t catch it. I guess it’s also time to grow up.
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More than anything this year, there was this amazing, comprehensive clearing- out of a toxic majority in almost every facet of my social and familial worlds. I had to cut a bunch of people from the team. Picture a group photo being taken with children sitting on the ground, elders in chairs behind them and the rest of the middle-ages flanking them, and then erase three quarters of them. The ones standing: I say that’s 2010; anything but sepia.
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This year offered a series of revelations about who I really am. It seems that I run into mirrors that/who show me what I am made of as well as what I lack. Never before have I been able to look at these facets of character with the level of acceptance and forgiveness that I have this year. I see where I am shallow and where I am deep, where I am stingy and where I am generous, where I run from responsibility and where I apply myself. I find that I am moving beyond groups and activities I once loved. I find more comfort in my solitude—a very different place for me. And not just solitude, there is acceptance about how I am different from others and how that difference became pleasurable rather than unspeakably shameful and something to be hidden.
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Mentally and emotionally, I have moved through layers and layers of stuff and have been lucky enough to have had some incredible facilitators to help me. Two things I’ve learned: when you’re going through hell, keep on going, and, when you’re going through hell, it really helps to have some signposts along the way to let you know you’re going in the right direction.
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I feel I am at a crossroads with much letting go to do with no indication of what the next phase is.
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I am standing upon the shifting sands of this time and trying to keep my feet with a sense of inner groundedness and connection to self. It is a simultaneous process of effort and letting go. I am learning.
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This past year began with confusion and mental fog and still a state of constant anxiety – not even frustrated anymore – been not able to box my way out of the proverbial paper bag for so long that seeing the years go by in this state just got to be normal. As I got grips around being more fishy and letting the bag fall away (instead of punching at it) it began to do just that (slip away) and light has been shining in brightly as the year has escalated exponentially with good stuff (mostly spiritual in nature) although I’ve much work ahead to make something of the opportunities finally finding their way to me differently (I’ve always had opportunity throw itself at me, it’s been me who had to change and find opportunity.) Finding path and focus has gotten far easier and enjoyable too. (It’s fun to laugh.)
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Relationships have changed in direction I have sought…again, as though I have finally freed myself from lifetime bonds or more probably I’ve slipped out of them and the jailer can’t seem to find me to lock me up again – or isn’t interested in looking anymore.
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So, we make our patterns. We re-create old patterns to learn forgiveness and love. Practice is important. Pluto says refine bad habits for better fulfillment and that health issues have an emotional undertone. Work can be a great stomping ground for the evolution of old ways. The whole oneness reality is baffling – legit. Being able to ‘watch’ or witness lights up the mind as others act out different aspects of this One Being. Sorry to sound so new agey. What else? Give others a lot of room to grow — but don’t forget to till the soil. With a focus on gratitude, anything can be done.
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