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Pisces Notes

I terminated a couple friendships, one of long standing, out of self-preservation. I felt I was being sucked dry and I didn’t seem to have the stamina anymore to deal with them. I not only didn’t feel I could, but I didn’t want to. It wasn’t working for me and I’d had enough.

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I’m tired of presenting myself as less than I am just so I don’t make other people uncomfortable.

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There’s been a hell of a lot of movement in my life over the past 5 years or so. I’m in territory so different that I’m not really sure I would have recognized it back then, but it’s all been good movement and I’m starting to feel like I have a pretty good handle on this life thing. I am generally more able to face life with clarity, curiosity and good humor.

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The spiritual journey of discovering wholeness, the “I Am” within, began in earnest as a conscious choice with Jupiter in Pisces 12 years ago. I feel that self-healing was completed to a large degree during this period of time and I find my focus has shifted to the world at large.

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The 10th house Pluto transit moved me through a successful career in the first few years and then had me evaluate – at a core level – who I wanted to be and how best to serve. I redefined myself as my self-belief in my abilities increased through trying different work possibilities.

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My natal 1st house Sun has always seemed to point towards trusting the deep inner core and understanding the “I Am” at many different levels. My Uranus transit lit a fire under that process this last 6 years and has facilitated self-healing and growth. Recently, I have the courage to articulate my deep beliefs more and more in public discussions as I trust what I have always known within.

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2008-2009 were variations of the same theme: relationships. Not only with other people, but also my relationship with the world and the concepts of the world in general. As a Piscean it is natural for me to fade into the background and watch others make my dreams a reality.  For the first time this year I saw my influence in the manifestation of these dreams. The one component missing from the experience was the ego’s involvement in taking full credit. Being 2-3 steps ahead of everyone sometimes is not good. It became important for me to see where my own contribution affected the overall picture.

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So the lessons of the year were painfully gained, but they were not new: accept myself fully, the dark and the light parts of my personality.

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I learned to trust that several years of spiritual lessons and intuition bootcamp were enough to build an exoskeleton for the future me that will align me with my life’s true path.

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I’m still mourning the loss of the past. However, I know that I finally have the skills to not only visit the love-filled parts of the past that are still worthy of visiting, but also to create my life with the understanding that the universe is always eager to fulfill my dreams.

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The last 5 years have been characterized by me being extremely honest with myself as I have discovered my “truths” that I wasn’t aware of about my relationship and discovering a side of myself that I never knew existed. At the same time, I have not wanted to share those discoveries with my husband, so there has been a real lack of honesty and intimacy in our relationship. I sort of prefer to have my own world which I can retreat to – a place that is my own.

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While Uranus has been edging me out of my shell, Saturn in Virgo really gave me the old heave-ho.

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Saturn in Virgo has left me feeling like everything is set up, and I’m poised and ready for whatever comes next. With Jupiter heading for Pisces, I’ve got a feeling the 2010 is going to yield some very interesting moments – most of them exciting, many of them unnerving, but all of them necessary and amazing in their own right.

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Since the fall equinox, I have been noticing an increase in synchronicities and psychic activity in my life. It feels I am developing stronger connections with people – so that in spite of what feels like increasing chaos in the world, I have these stronger connections providing support.

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I feel like a coke bottle that’s been shaken but the lid is still on.

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Change has been a major theme the last two years – changing of the structures in my life (particularly relationship-wise) and changing of my internal structures.

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In 2007-2008 I was receiving data from the Universe but I wasn’t processing it. I wasn’t truly aware or seeing what the Universe was trying to teach me. In 2009, I began to actually process and understand the data I was receiving.  I was actually seeing with another level of being.  I gained awareness and I understood what was coming in.

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This year the unconscious became conscious. At times I felt literally plugged into the Universe and I was downloading all this information about myself, my unconscious patterns, my unconscious wounds, the wounds that were buried deep inside, things from my childhood that caused negative patterns and reactions, insight about life, insight about my parents, insight about the people around me.

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Beginning in October and then taking off when Saturn changed signs and squared Pluto, it felt like I snapped around a corner and snapped into focus. I feel solid (no more fragmentation; it’s like the fragmented pieces of me came together and locked into place to form me), strong in who I am, owning my life, and focused.

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It’s like the system pre-Saturn in Libra was dysfunctional and when Saturn changed signs the system started functioning. I think a big part of this was ALL the work I had been doing learning the lessons I needed to learn and shedding the skins I need to shed got me to this new life.

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I have had to hide my smarts my whole life. I have been a 220 volt person in a 110 volt world; always ahead and always fast.

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Now, I am calm even though there are “unresolved” relationship “issues” because my whole outlook on relationships shifted into something that flows, not something static.

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There was an increased sense of what I’ve been waiting for or anticipating for a long time is now unveiling itself.  The feeling that there may be one impactive moment within the extended duration of that unveiling remains with me.  That is to say, nothing happens in an instant, but I have had the feeling of a pending “instance” for quite a long time now – and the time of that “instance” is upon us.

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