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Scorpio Notes

The past year has been a year of inner conflicts, struggles, and a lot of learning (albeit the hard way). Sometimes, I wish I was not so intense and passionate about everything in life, taking things so seriously. There are so many people who don’t and they seem to be fine with it. Why can’t I? And yet, I wouldn’t choose to be any other way either.
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I have been through a roller-coaster of trying to figure out what is right and what is wrong, of living through a pretty-much one-sided deep emotional attachment where I have only given, of wondering why these things happen, of wondering or trying to figure out why I have felt this way and what I could have done or can do about it. In general, life has been a constant struggle, and I do have this feeling that both my husband and I as Scorpios have had to work harder than the rest for the same things. What is going on deep inside is a process of delving, dealing with and deciphering life itself.
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The conversation and motion of my home has been to redefine what is important in each of our lives, and to make room for each other’s truths, without too much compromise, and without attempting to crush the paradoxes that are not only in the combination, but within each of us. Praised, adored, fought, cursed — love is cement. Despite dire predictions from friends on all sides, the partnership experiment endures, and is stronger now than a year ago.
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One of the things that I’m trying to work on now is not reacting to how others receive me, as well as, what I say. I have always tripped all over myself verbally and felt awkward due to picking up energy that doesn’t belong to me. I realized that my intention and who I am doesn’t need to be explained, and how others perceive me is not my responsibility. Their misperception belongs to their projection and although I can feel it I am learning to not respond to something that I have not caused and this is hard because it has been a knee jerk reaction that I wasn’t aware of the dynamic. I just assumed I was responsible. This has caused me to be uncomfortable more than I need to be.
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The reality of all the space left and finding that all distractions that crowded up the space for most of my life failed in one way of or another with most of them becoming stale and dry. In this large amount of space I was faced with a glaring look at this “self” this me that I was or wasn’t. This was the most uncomfortable , strange and bizzare place to be because I began to realise that what I thought was a solid life , a concept of a “me” was nothing but smoke. This discovery frightened me adding fear to the already unpleasent state I was experiencing. This lasted with no let up and at times increasing in intensity and the duration was far more longer than I ever anticipated. I eventually abandoned my hope of regaining normality or something other than this bereft state finally surrendering to it my mind being exhausted. This has not been easy but I can conrfidently write that it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me.
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This year it all seemed to come into focus, without going into crazy detail the issue seems to be about walking that dynamic line between the individual and the group. But also it is about power and power structures and where I fit in with those, where I derive my own power from and how it is projected into the world, and how others perceive it. Also whether I have the courage to say what I know, value what I know and what I believe and what my ‘freakish intuition‘(as it has been called) tells me, and stand up to the inevitable slings and arrows that this seems to attract.
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My life prior to this was lived unconcious in that 70 percent of choices , actions and thoughts were motivated by feelings of shame , guilt coloring thoughts that dictated my reality. I lived believing that in order to be loved I needed to sacrifice my being and my life was illusion only I was completely unaware of this and would have remained so because I wouldn’t have chosen to endure the above . In my unawareness I couldn’t have ever orchestrated this process.
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For me personally, this year has been about stepping outside of the reflected glory of others – and the way that my talents sometimes get used (get given over by me) to facilitate that, rather than facilitate my own processes.
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It’s all been about relationships and the chaos has been so intense that there have been moments when I’ve found myself mediating on, say, the difficulties in my love relationship and I feel the boundaries blurring between that and my work relationships and family relationships. It’s just the same story with different almost interchangeable characters. It has taken Herculean effort to stay grounded and conscious, to try to let go of the need to control or have some idea of outcomes in order to feel secure.
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The paradox of Scorpio is that there is so much loss and letting go on the way to Transformation and Transcendence.
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There were steps back, indeed, but more like steps along a very intense and rewarding cliff-face. Straight up just won’t do it. You’ll need to find the most stable footholds as you go and that often means a little testing here and there.
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I’ve been trying to improve my attitude as my motto has always been to keep moving forward; yet it’s hard when I feel like in every aspect I have had to take backward steps. I came to realize that I do not do surrender very well, because I tend to believe that I control the direction of my life. But, when things feel out of my hands, how can I comfortably surrender to the choices that the fates, or whatever else, is making for me?
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The feeling has been of an large cosmic Hand pushing me inexorably, but beneficently into a new life that I would never have pursued of my own accord or would even have thought I wanted.
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The guiding ideas have been balance (pursuit of), following my gut, adaptation, and political strategy. The feeling has been of an large cosmic Hand pushing me inexorably but beneficently into a new life that I would never have pursued of my own accord or would even have thought I wanted. If I’d seen it coming, I would have run screaming into the night. The period has been marked by events that can be called “traumatic,” but it has been a constructive process. It’s all been very Kali-esque.
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These last few years for me have been punctuated by figuring out what matters most in the time I have been given, and what I do with it. I morbidly anticipate my own inevitable end while retrospectively taking stock of where I’ve been-as if I might miss some important detail that could avert future disaster if I haven’t studied my own history closely enough for clues about my shadow and light selves.
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It is my humble opinion that each of us has our ups and downs and this recursive disorganized blissfully mysteriously deliciously painful cinematic spiritual experience we call life -promises this adventure to everyone from the beginning
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I’ve just had the maddest, craziest year of my life but it’s been incredibly healing and empowering. I reconnected with the love of my life only to lose him again. Found myself instead. The process nearly killed me, but it’s pushed me to a whole new level of being. Wounds all healed, karma done and dusted, and wonderful new people met along the way. I’m running my own publishing company now, doing astro consults on the side and teaching inner guide meditations. Things I would never have imagined a year ago. I’ve also moved back to a country I left a long time ago, and have finally made peace with it and my family. So 2009 has been a big year. Lots of painful endings, but many new opportunities too.
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I discovered this year that the things I value are really REALLY not what others value. It’s been a year about value.
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One Response to “Scorpio Notes”

  1. Christine says:

    Oddly enough I have been working on the view point of my career and how I am in it since December of 2009 and it has heated up quite a bit over the past 2 days. What I have read is dead on … and it feels like the inside space is in need of more development, exploration and freedom.
    And it is true I have been feeling more free and vibrant (capricorn influence with leadership)
    leadership is the element that I am struggling to and from hence the need to go inside … does that mean quiet power, conscious power is what leadership can ultimately be?
    In terms of family, community, I have a great and know of great woman that I have thought to create a circle with, to gather, support, enhance, each other and our respective pursuits.
    I don’t really know what this will lead to… time to find out

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